woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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