I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
