I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
