Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
