sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
3 2 1 whiskey
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
