sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
