I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
