It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
