I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
