i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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