I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
