So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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