It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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