I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
