dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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