I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
