I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
