I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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