my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My balls are so social today.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
