Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
