More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
