Ambien. No doubt about it.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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