I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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