The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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