I like to think it a success when the cops are called
she woke up with a sticky ear
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
