i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
