Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Randomize
