Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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