Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
