Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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