Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
