I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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