dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
