It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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