my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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