Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
