you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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