dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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