I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
