I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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