at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
