Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
