I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
