i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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