frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
