Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I touched a dick in church today
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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