I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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