I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
