just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
