Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
