I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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