Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So much rum. So many feels.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
