Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
