i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
