sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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