i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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