Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
