My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
